Official Joke Thread

Well, sad to say my last thread was locked due to no apparent reason (I think they're bored too). This thread is used to make way of the new and there are a few minor changes so ladies and gentlemen. toddlers to teenagers. marraged to divorced. the holy and the unholy...I present to yo the Offical JOKE thread. Let me start to get us going. A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: ''Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.''

The man below says: ''Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.''

''You must be an engineer'' says the balloonist.

''I am'' replies the man. ''How did you know.''

''Well'' says the balloonist, ''everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.''

The man below says ''You must be a manager.''

''I am'' replies the balloonist, ''but how did you know?''

''Well'', says the man, ''you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.''Official Joke Thread
So these 3 guys got captured by a terrorist group and they were going to have their ''things'' cut off as a punishment depending on their former job and the guys were numbered from 1 to 3, so the terrorists ask the 1st guy ''What was your job before you got captured?'' and he said ''I was a carpenter'' so they grabbed a saw and they cut off his thing, and the 3rd guy started laughing.

Then they asked the 2nd guy ''And what was your job before you were captured?'' and he said '' I was a doctor'' and they grabbed a scalpel and they also cut his ''thing'' off and the 3rd guy couldn't stop laughing so they asked him ''Why are you laughing so much?'' and he said ''Because I worked as an ice cream man, does that mean you're going to suck it until it disappears?''Official Joke Thread
Why is the joke written in black.I can hardly read it :?
[QUOTE=''Lto_thaG'']Why is the joke written in black.I can hardly read it :?[/QUOTE]



bad start. here;s a second try:



A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, ''What about extreme sexual exhaustion?'', and the whole classroom burst into laughter.



After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, ''Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.''
The 3 stages of life:1. You believe in Santa Clause.
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause.
3. You ARE Santa Clause.
[QUOTE=''hell_blazer899''][QUOTE=''Lto_thaG'']Why is the joke written in black.I can hardly read it :?[/QUOTE]



bad start. here;s a second try:



A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, ''What about extreme sexual exhaustion?'', and the whole classroom burst into laughter.



After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, ''Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.''[/QUOTE]

That's what I call getting owned by your teacher :lol:.Nice one.
The only jokes I know of are either racist or sexist... or both! :P
[QUOTE=''im_really_rich'']The 3 stages of life:1. You believe in Santa Clause.
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause.
3. You ARE Santa Clause.[/QUOTE] That was the lamest joke ive read. In fact, i beleive its so lame, it should have ever been thought and typed up in this thread by you.
[QUOTE=''Mudcake_Mad''][QUOTE=''im_really_rich'']The 3 stages of life:1. You believe in Santa Clause.
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause.
3. You ARE Santa Clause.[/QUOTE] That was the lamest joke ive read. In fact, i beleive its so lame, it should have ever been thought and typed up in this thread by you.[/QUOTE]

What about this one?

A man walks into a bar,that's gotta hurt.
[QUOTE=''Lto_thaG''][QUOTE=''Mudcake_Mad''][QUOTE=''im_really_rich'']The 3 stages of life:1. You believe in Santa Clause.
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause.
3. You ARE Santa Clause.[/QUOTE] That was the lamest joke ive read. In fact, i beleive its so lame, it should have ever been thought and typed up in this thread by you.[/QUOTE] What about this one? A man walks into a bar,that's gotta hurt.[/QUOTE]  At least this one made me giggle.
[QUOTE=''Lto_thaG''][QUOTE=''Mudcake_Mad''][QUOTE=''im_really_rich'']The 3 stages of life:1. You believe in Santa Clause.
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause.
3. You ARE Santa Clause.[/QUOTE] That was the lamest joke ive read. In fact, i beleive its so lame, it should have ever been thought and typed up in this thread by you.[/QUOTE]

What about this one?

A man walks into a bar,that's gotta hurt.[/QUOTE] You're that man?
Posted this before,but heck..

A sadist and a masochist are going to have sex.
The masochist says : Hit me!Punish me!Give me everything you've got!!!
The sadist replies : No...
[QUOTE=''hell_blazer899''][QUOTE=''Lto_thaG''][QUOTE=''Mudcake_Mad''] That was the lamest joke ive read. In fact, i beleive its so lame, it should have ever been thought and typed up in this thread by you.[/QUOTE]

What about this one?

A man walks into a bar,that's gotta hurt.[/QUOTE] You're that man? [/QUOTE]

I was actually >_>
[QUOTE=''Lto_thaG''][QUOTE=''hell_blazer899''][QUOTE=''Lto_thaG'']

What about this one?

A man walks into a bar,that's gotta hurt.[/QUOTE] You're that man? [/QUOTE]

I was actually >_>[/QUOTE]



owned.yep sucks to get kiked.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, ''My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.''

''Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, '' Mike replies. ''There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.''

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
[QUOTE=''Mudcake_Mad''][QUOTE=''Lto_thaG''][QUOTE=''Mudcake_Mad''] That was the lamest joke ive read. In fact, i beleive its so lame, it should have ever been thought and typed up in this thread by you.[/QUOTE] What about this one? A man walks into a bar,that's gotta hurt.[/QUOTE] At least this one made me giggle.[/QUOTE]Wow. I feel so bad for not being able to please you, sir.I'm not going to pretend my joke was awesome; I read it somewhere. Oh well. I care so much about what Mudpie thinks of me on the internet.
Here is one:One hot summers night two men were traveling across the country by car on business. Having been away from their wives for several days, they were beginning to get a little lonely. When passing through a small town they came across a whore house, one of the men suggested that they stop.The second man looked nervously at the run down house and said,''I dunno...I'd feel pretty guilty.''The first man, his mind already set on getting laid, slapped his friend on the back,''Aw come on, it's not like your wife will ever know.''The second man looked skeptical, but agreed.The first man went inside and spoke with the madam of the house, who told him that regretfully all of her women were taken, but she did have a couple of blow up dolls that the men could use at a reduced cost. The first man was disappointed, but as he was already turned on decided to take the offer on anyway, it was better than nothing he thought.The madam nodded,''I'll prepare two rooms for you and open the windows, even with the breeze it gets really hot in the rooms.''The man retrieved his friend and tried to tell him about the blow up dolls, but his friend simply shook his head and said,''Don't say anything...I just want to get this over with before I have time to regret it...''and entered his room without listening. The first man shrugged, entered his room, and found the blow up doll waiting on his bed in the dark. He stripped down, took care of business, and left the room with a satisfied look on his face. After paying the mistress he returned to the car, where he found his friend waiting.The first man smiled,''Did you enjoy yourself, buddy?''The second man was incredibly white and visibly shaken, seemingly unable to speak.The first man asked,''What's wrong? Did you have a good time or not?''The second man slowly turned and said,''Hell no. I think mine was a witch...'cause when I poked her she made a loud noise and flew out the window.''
[QUOTE=''SpinoRaptor24'']One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, ''My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.''

''Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, '' Mike replies. ''There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.''

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.[/QUOTE] :lol: yep. that's what i call a bad day at 7/11's
Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard. (It's good for hot dogs.) Q: What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?
A: So-low. Q: Where do books eat dinner?
A: At the table of contents. Q: Why were the suspenders arrested?
A: For holding up a pair of pants. Q: What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
A: A lumpy milkshake. Q; What did the angry inflatable teacher say to the irresponsible inflatable child in the inflatable school?
A: Not only have you let me down, you've let yourself down, and you've let the whole school down! Q: Why was the broom late?
A: Because he overswept.Q: What's the friendliest school?
A: Hi school. Q: What's black, white, black, white, and green?
A: Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
[QUOTE=''im_really_rich''][QUOTE=''Mudcake_Mad''][QUOTE=''Lto_thaG''] What about this one? A man walks into a bar,that's gotta hurt.[/QUOTE] At least this one made me giggle.[/QUOTE]Wow. I feel so bad for not being able to please you, sir.I'm not going to pretend my joke was awesome; I read it somewhere. Oh well. I care so much about what Mudpie thinks of me on the internet.[/QUOTE] I dont care what you say. All i know is that you joke was lame. Did you even read it. And if you found that funny at all, your as lame as it.